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[30 Dec 2004|06:56pm] |
And think of barrys bipolar wonderdreams
No one wakes up inthemorning. We hope. …I. Not we.
Blahblah
Ticktock
Life is essentially meaningless
And youll never catch up with the clock.
This is stupid.
You’re a genius
Hoo rak hoo hah.
Go away mr. Rab
Bit.
Not bot.
Technology
In your socks.
And I never said yes
I never said no.
Fuck, yes, want a definition. Fool. Oprah winfreys got a bat
Hat.tat. qat.wat.eat.rat.yat.uat.iat.oat.pat.aat.sat.dat.fat.gat.hat.jat.kat.lat.zat.xat.cat.vat.bat.nat.mat.
Stupid.
I cant find any smarting sounding synonyms
Cinnamons.
Well tell me a storyabouthowmylife got twisted upside down. I’d like to tell a story just sit right there. Ill tell you the tale about how I became the fresh prince of belaire
In west Philadelphia born and raised. On the playground..
Etc. I love you fresh prince. More than I could love that sack of dead emotion. You cant see. The obvious. Maybe I cant either,
I used to feel. I think. But now im pretty sure I’ll never be able to be happy again. I think of everything that ever has (made me happy). A plethora of vice. Teen angst. And I know it will never make me happy again. Ive had my breakdowns. You’ve had yours. We’re just like everyone else. Nothing special. Or unique. Ego trip burger flip.
I’ve got nothing, sir.
…at least that matters
...in my mind anyways.
I want:
Stamps.
A connection with someone.thing.
Truth.
Some new clothes.
Makeup.
Quality.
My scar fixed.
Sex.
Hair dye. Cut.
Socks.
Love.
Anti-depressants.
I am the superficial. Lose the pretension. We don’t have shit. Wise up son.
I don’t care anymore.
.....i had a good day today. the charm kicked in. coffee's my new drug, lame, but you know.
-it's cold, but im witty. usually.
-museums are nice. and i dont care what anyone says, most modern art is cool. cubism seems difficult. i am inspired kind of.
-its dark, my typings bad.
-i love these big cities like awesome. but you need money. fucking money. its a bitch, but thers just.. so much.
- i taught my orthodoc jew cousins some gang signs. my life is not bad.
-if i get some fucking stamps you bitches should get cards soon.
-i love you. well some. i feel a little blah, crazy, unfullfilled. thats it.
how have you been, son?
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[23 Dec 2004|08:06pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Moldy Peaches |
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i love having dance parties with you.and X-Japan.
the Moldy Peaches are the best thing that has ever happened to me.
i hate this town and its people.
im sick of the same repetitive routine.
and i wish i cared enough to complain more.
or didnt care.
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[28 Nov 2004|08:57pm] |
dear president nixon and whomever else it may concern-
everday it feels as if my lungs and most of my internal organs are being crushed. and it seems there is nothing i can do to avoid this feeling. even though, it appears that i have tried.
how cliche and emo. ugh. i am the epitamy of lame these days.
oh, and i think i lost my charm. details.
more exciting!
my oh my. i just realised i don't care about anyone. haha. sure i like my friends quite a bit, and i'm going to continue my schoolwork, but my life, will never have any meaning at all, because i just can't commit. i don't want to.
and i feel so terribly bad for everyone who thought they had a chance, or who i told them i loved, because on some level i like you, but in the long run everyone i have ever met or gotten to know disgusts me in an awful sort of way that i can never ever love them.
i feel bad for you, dear. and for me. but then again, i don't care.
ah, "i don't care" it's just a stage isn't it. how ridiculous. i've got everything figured out. i know too much for my own good. the government will come to get me anytime now. they tried before (the scar on my back) but next time they'll go in for the kill. i am like harry potter. death and destruction are your middle names.
my narcissism drowns away the noise from the chihuaha with catarax who will just not quit barking. shush shush, i tell him, but he is young and stubborn. he didn't learn to read until the 1st grade. but i will beat up the kids who brag to my little chihuaha about reading charlottes web in kindergarden. because kids grow up, like my chihuaha has, and look who's smarter now. not you. me. i mean... the chihuaha with catarax.
i am silent, and i thrive on false pretenses of love, i am scared of affection, and i plan on dissapointing everyone and everything in my whole life.
this is so final. the final. tests. i am doing worse and worse in all my classes. things are falling apart on my way to italy. my relationships with people seem to be getting better then worse and i don't know whats going on.
whats going on.
ask the librarian.
i just want a kiss.
not from the librarian.
what did she say?
she doesn't know whats going on either?
oh fuck.. we're doomed charles. bring out the scottish terriors we haven't a chance now.
i don't want sauce with that. why? because i'm getting awfully fat.
i will get my sex from boys and my meaningful relationship from adobe photoshop. it treats me so well.
i love you adobe. so much. more than you will ever know.
haha, no not really. i just appreciate it. i appreciate everything. i hate when people are dishonest or try and use me. it makes me sick. you make me sick. i want more comments because i'm bored.
i'm bored with everything. emotion.
×××××
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[25 Nov 2004|11:04am] |
Last night, i saw all the people who make me happy.
i wish my printer worked so i could post the wonderful pictures.
damn..
Brenden got home from Ireland. =)
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[15 Nov 2004|07:50pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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Pixies |
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I think I have a problem. I keep falling in love with completely random people/things daily. I never really love them at all. I just tell myself I do, and that this time, its gonna last. But nothing ever does. And when it all comes down to it, I wish I could lock everything and everyone I adore in a big orange cage. But thanks to my condition I could never find a cage nearly big enough for any of it. and that’s terrible. Maybe if I wasn’t so critical I would keep loving everything forever. But that’s not the case. Maybe I should lock myself in a cage.
Hm. I think that you should sell some of that charm to me, because than maybe I could learn to charm people into being everything I want them to be. But that’s too complicated. Give me a few roofies and I’m sure I can make everything wonderful. I wish I wasn’t lacking in so many different areas, because than maybe I wouldn’t be looking for all of that somewhere else, if that makes any sense at all. Hopefully you will understand and not become too used to my love, because it will fade as quick as it begin. And than where will you be? Or rather, where will I be? Nowhere I suppose. Its all just some vicious cycle I’m spinning in, providing entertainment for the outsider. And I don’t have the will to escape.
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[14 Nov 2004|06:35pm] |
warren now has a bar on his porch.so lets recap last night events.
we started drinking at six.
ryan jost wants my 'bod'.
robert likes to take completely random pictures of me.
chris can only see out of one eye.
i broke nathans nose.
jesus brought way too much alcohol.and his grafitti name is 'gemeck'.
everyone wrote on my arms.
john put on the pixies and played guitar.
apparantly the guy who works at the river doesnt know how he got to work, its his first day and hes the manager.
sam is easy and likes to flash me.
we are accepting money from people so we can buy a cage for finch to dance in.
jesus laughs like alittle girl when hes high.
and i threw up in dads car.
man oh man.what a night.
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[12 Nov 2004|11:30pm] |
vodka.cup 'o noodles with hot sauce.
i hope chris dies.i love him.
s
u
c
k
i
t
.
j
u
s
t
s
u
c
k
i
t
.
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[31 Oct 2004|12:48pm] |
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Yesterday was my birthday.I suppose you could say it was fun.I went to see the disclosed play and after i went to some party were i proceeded to get trashed and got into a pretty bad fight.When you get beer bottles thrown at you your gonna react.Hm.I saw Chris...that made everything better.
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| read this. |
[21 Oct 2004|07:21pm] |
My conversations always go in circles, and i am fond of tying everything in to some vague stock sentence summing up my belifs, but they are always changing because i am just a kid, and thus have not lived, but i know i am on to something, but it has indeed all been done before.
The fluctuation of my thought and beliefs and mind leads to misconcepts and ill-percieved feelings from the things i say, and for this i apologize, but i cannot really help it, and i suggest limes as the only cure.
you should read this. it may, or may not make sense, but it maybe kind of explains "about me" and isn't that what you're looking for?
It, whatever "it" is, is funny, because i can make people change their perspective on life and philosophy and other heated topics of teenage angst and adult perplexities, think in a new and exciting way, or think anything i want them to, to a point anyways, but it really isnt worth it for them/you, because as soon as i get bored, i drop them/you like flies, and i didnt always do this, but because of my enthusiasm, or in some cases disenthusiasm, for certain un-named things i have newfound confidence, and i like it, and probably don't like you.
i have no self worth and dont think anyone/you will care if i am their friend, or dead, or mean to cats, even though people/you keep telling me they/you would, but i just can't find it inside of me to believe them/you. And wether anyone/you cares is none of my interest. it is better off for everyone/you to not even know me, or ever get to know me, or have the chance for me to "charm their/your pants off" because i'll do it, and you'll just end up sad, and hurt and most likely broken hearted. unless, of course, you are one of those people that can achieve that higher order thinking that my ridiculously high standards deem respectable and i have/wish to pursue a meaningful relationship with such/few persons.
i speak only contradiction, because i think too practically/realistaclly/logically for my own good. i have this new theory that "truth" is just a matter of opinion, but i don't know about it, or anything for that matter.
i think like a revolutionary, act like a hipocrite, and my natural instincts are that of a little girl.
I have this feeling i can only have real conversations with people i consider myself better than/that i truly respect, and i have girlish self consciousness that prevents me from speaking and voicing my opinions to kids who are maybe cooler than me/are not cool at all but i can't help feeling intimidated/have this blatant sexyness that all i can think about is fucking them, and have not the means to multi-task and also think about what we're talking about. Although, various experiments are being done at this very moment to improve this terrible/revolution-preventing, problem that i seem to have picked up somewhere.
I am interested in finding the answer, and the root of the problem, and i might like someone to help me. But, sometimes i am the epitamy of disinterest and could care less about any such equations, and in this way i would like to meet someone who understands this, and would want to run through supermarkets, tossing pre-baked potatoes, and fiending for love, and cotton candy.
How about you?
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| purple pickles make me nervous. |
[14 Oct 2004|08:11pm] |
feel really cold and everything i touch seems so much colder.
i left my window open all day and when i got home, i discovered that a large amount of flies had gathered in my room and were having some kind of party. why flies? i wish it could of been butterflies or something....they are so much more pleasant to be around.I would of surely partied with them.but seeing as the party was being held by flies, i just got mad, and killed them with ant spray.they fell to the floor and i vacumned them up.
the word congruent reminds me of root.and root reminds me of teeth.i like that word "congruent." it just sort of rolls of the tongue.
i have begun to notice that i dont drink enough water.which isnt good, because all your organs need water.i just dont like water very much.it tastes like dirt to me,so i put honey in my water.do you find that gross?shut-up.its good.
my new phone has this light that is constantly blinking.it frustrates me to the max.although it is a flippy phone, so sometimes i feel like a secret agent.expecially when i get to open and close it.
man,is it me, or does it keep getting colder and colder?no.i think its you.
me and tami....we are fucking lesbians together.we so rub up on each other every day in the alley.ha haaaaaaa haha haaaaaaaa.
me and jacob went to wal-mart together.he found a mullet wig in the halloween section, put it on, and walked out with it.now we rock out to iron maiden together.and he wears his mullet.its the best damn thing ever.you all wish you were that cool.
dont you just love these little random facts i keep giving you?more you say? hm.good.i wasnt finished yet anyways.
so the debate was just on.i watched some of it.i just cant stand to watch that idiot (george bush) talk for too long.no matter who wins the election we are still screwed.kerry is the better "man", but thanks to bush, it doesnt really matter who wins,we are fucked.
i give my hair 17 yrs and 265 days till it falls out.i put so much damn product and dye up in here.im surely gonna have a wig by that estimated time.
well, im bored with this.and im bored with you.
suck my junk....bitches.
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| all the cool kids are doing it. |
[09 Oct 2004|02:43pm] |
Chris crashed his car into a mailbox.i dont know why i got in the car with him while he was so damn drunk.i guess the fact that we were just going down the street to Jack In The Box and wouldnt even havt to to get on any main roads convinced me.a fucking mailbox.blahahaa.
and than Brenden sprained his ankle, tripping over Jesus's fat cat.
Warren smoked beer dipped cigarettes and Ethan played air guitar to Iron Maiden.
Sara(h) and myself gave each other sharpie tattoos while Mari made more mixed drinks.
Finch made pretty art on the sidewalk while Jesus sat on a stool rapping.
All of this is within my video camera.Yes,even the crash.
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[28 Sep 2004|06:17pm] |
so...this is Brenden... i seriously love this kid so much.
and I took this one.very hot.
hm.other than that....i went to Brendens bands practice today (the Disclosed)...it was good times.
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[25 Sep 2004|10:56am] |
so my phones been off for two days and when i turned it on this morning i had 27 new messages...what the fuck is that shit?most of them were a bunch of drunken rambelings from a bunch of drunken friends, but whatever.
im hungry and dont have anymore thai food.bitches.
anyways.someone come save me.im bored.
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[23 Sep 2004|06:09pm] |
all of a sudden i realised how deadly it all was.
and how bored i am.
and how much i love you.
the better carly is just that. she wont bullshit you, she is interested in everything. and you. it isn't a lie. this better carly wont hold grudges or get upset with her friends if they're busy. this better carly is self sufficient and happy, and capable.
wont you say hello, and be my neighbour, and help me change my shoes and sweater when i am exhausted. wont you give life a chance before i run out of letters. because the alphabet doesnt go on forever. but chances do, and there is no reason that i wont ygive you a chance. or maybe i wont give you that chance, but the better carly will.
i have nothing to say to anyone. nothing new to express, or poetic to tell. i am the middle of the middle of the middle. my heart was broken forever ago, and i didn't even live then. i broke it myself. i broke it with apathy. i can't change that now. it's too late for me. but maybe its not to late for you. or for the better carly.
it make me feel guilty though, that this new carly needs something to make life worth living. it makes me feel more worthless then i did before i met reality. i am hoping that i can get to know the better carly so well that i wont need that expensive piece of the puzzle. so far it's been going well. besides all the shit that isn't going well. and theres a lot of that.
god damn you make me sick. why does it have to be this way. why are we so broken? i dont get it. i dont get why we just stop feeling one day, and then you just start to cry when you think about the world. its too much to think about.
people dont change. no one reforms. maybe they decide to be a different, or 'better' person, but its not real. no one is real. we're all tiny little paper dolls that some vicious little girl made have awful family lives in their plastic house and you beat the plastic dog with mommys plastic purse.
i dont know what i am talking about aunt jemima. i need that something that people keep telling me about. i havent found it, and i'm pretty fucking sure i never will. i am too arrogant, or not arrogant enough. i am the in between and to be honest, there isnt a 'you' and i'm not typing to anyone one but me. because i am a dirty selfiish little girl with terrible intentions and too much hope, or not enough.
its all a matter of opinion, and i do believe mine is on dope.
my oh my, wont someone let me know. i was just bored, and had nothing else to do. there is no logic behind what i just said. just which letters on the keyboard looked the brightest. i really fucking hate everyone, even the people i adore. and i adore you.
i guess that doesn't mean much, but could you spare a twenty?
let's croquet, for i have no eloquence, but if you have some (eloquence) wont you let me know so i can suck it out of your veins.
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[21 Sep 2004|09:17pm] |
So, everyone is getting sick.Its starting to make me think the world is ending..or something.
Pat has alot of groupies and it makes me laugh,loudly.That bastard will be taping ass for days.
I really need some deoderant, badly.Hold on.
Oh wow, i smell like i just took a shower, which reminds me that i really do need one.Well, i need to wash my hair.There has been a major lack of hair washing lately.
Today, at school, i witnessed some funny shit. Back in the alley there are alot of tree's and shrubs against the fence.Me and Ryan are sitting on the curb talking about this cloud in the sky, when out of nowere some random kid comes around the corner,into the alley,leaps atop the wall, and grabs a huge sack of herb from within the shrub.He than looks both ways, drops to the floor and says to us "You didnt see nothin' ". We burst into a two-minute-bit of hysteria.good times.
Me and Angela had a light saber fight ,with SOBE bottles, in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot.Angela was almost run over by an angry citizen in a station wagon.The station wagon was green and the citizen was mighty old, mind you.
I seriously love Violent Fimmes so damn much...its ridiculous.I was reunited with my Femmes CD just two hours ago and cant recall having been so happy in a long time.
"Carly! There's a house coming down the street!" my little brother yelled as he ran inside the front door.
"Wesley,be practical here, how the hell can a house transport itself down the street?"
"No, look!"
Sure enough when I look out my front window there is a house moving down the street,well it was more "floating", than it was "moving".I just laughed. Where the fuck else do you see a house being dragged down a street?Damn.
Im addicted to chapstick.Its horrible.I apply it to my lips at least every five minutes.I still think im more addicted to Myspace though.I tell myself im getting off to go sleep.An hour later I reluctantly get off.I swear i've been brainwashed.
Im chillin.CHILLIN OUT!No!NO! I cant talk right now! Im chillin' with my friends!IM CHILLIN OUT! ::ludacris plays loudly in the backround::
bwahhahahahah!!
So, Michael Jackson is fucking cool.No, what am i saying? He's pure fucking sex.
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| ten ten ten is for everything, everything, everything, EVERYTHING!!! yeeaaah, we do it all the time! |
[21 Sep 2004|09:14pm] |
So, everyone is getting sick.Its starting to make me think the world is ending..or something.
Pat has alot of groupies and it makes me laugh,loudly.That bastard will be taping ass for days.
I really need some deoderant, badly.Hold on.
Oh wow, i smell like i just took a shower, which reminds me that i really do need one.Well, i need to wash my hair.There has been a major lack of hair washing lately.
Today, at school, i witnessed some funny shit. Back in the alley there are alot of tree's and shrubs against the fence.Me and Ryan are sitting on the curb talking about this cloud in the sky, when out of nowere some random kid comes around the corner,into the alley,leaps atop the wall, and grabs a huge sack of herb from within the shrub.He than looks both ways, drops to the floor and says to us "You didnt see nothin' ". We burst into a two-minute-bit of hysteria.good times.
Me and Angela had a light saber fight ,with SOBE bottles, in the middle of the Wal-Mart parking lot.Angela was almost run over by an angry citizen in a station wagon.The station wagon was green and the citizen was mighty old, mind you.
I seriously love Violent Fimmes so damn much...its ridiculous.I was reunited with my Femmes CD just two hours ago and cant recall having been so happy in a long time.
"Carly! There's a house coming down the street!" my little brother yelled as he ran inside the front door.
"Wesley,be practical here, how the hell can a house transport itself down the street?"
"No, look!"
Sure enough when I look out my front window there is a house moving down the street,well it was more "floating", than it was "moving".I just laughed. Where the fuck else do you see a house being dragged down a street?Damn.
Im addicted to chapstick.Its horrible.I apply it to my lips at least every five minutes.I still think im more addicted to Myspace though.I tell myself im getting off to go sleep.An hour later I reluctantly get off.I swear i've been brainwashed.
Im chillin.CHILLIN OUT!No!NO! I cant talk right now! Im chillin' with my friends!IM CHILLIN OUT! ::ludacris plays loudly in the backround::
bwahhahahahah!!
So, Michael Jackson is fucking cool.No, what am i saying? He's pure fucking sex.
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[20 Sep 2004|09:24pm] |
"So, Angela, what did you do this weekend?"
"I went to my dads in Banning."
"Oh snap, what did you do?"
"Eh, we went to Mexico."
"Why the hell did you go there?!"
"Well, theres family there and my dad had a doctors apointment."
"What the fuck? In Mexico? You live in the USA, why the hell would you go to MExico for a doctors apointment!?"
"Its cheaper i suppose."
"Damn, niggah's be WILD!"
"HAHAHAHA, well what did you do?"
"Almost got killed in some mosh pits and got banned from Del Taco."
"Oh well, doesnt that make perfect sense."
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[19 Sep 2004|01:36pm] |
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last night, nothing that was "planned" happened.but ultimatly it was a fucking grand night.Skyler came over to watch "The City of God" with me.Very good movie...you better see it, or you are dead to me. Anyways, with him he brought a big bottle of dah dah dah Jack Daniels. I wouldnt let him drink any, on account of we were going to drive somewhere, anywhere, and he was the driver.so he watched me get fucked up and we drove down into DHS.originally we were looking to go to the plateus where everyone was patrying, but when i called BRENDEN! he was too intoxicated to comprehend what was happening, either that or i called the wrong person. i just dont know. so we ate at del taco, which by the way i think iam banned from, thats what Sky tells me anyways.so DHS just wasnt happening. we drove all the way into thousand palms to visit with Sheridan, but he was being as ass so we left.finally, after another stop at some random del taco, we went home and Skyler proceeded to get completely trashed right along with me. good damn times.oh man, nature walks are so fucking key to a good night. we walked down to the adandoned houses just a few minutes from my house and just as i have always suspected, there was a BUM in one of them.it was great. i got scared half to death, ready to bust out with some karate and Sky is holding a huge stick over head ready to crush some skulls.this bum (who we named Squeesh) ran out some hole in the wall and we went home, terrified that he was bringing back an army of bums to burn us at stake.mwahahhaa.
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[18 Sep 2004|02:59pm] |
So I finally saw The Disclosed play last night, and yes they were wonderful. Haha, like always they played in the infamous ghetto ass DHS park...and i really do love those crazy punk rock d-town ballas.
I really dont know what to do about Andrew, and that whole thing with Brenden was just weird...
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[11 Sep 2004|11:49am] |
last night was fun fun fun.
everyone was gone, so Brendan, Finch, WArren, and Andrew came over with a big bittle of black velvet.it was good times for 4 hours and than i left with them.hm.more drunken madness occured and it was great fun.Brendan is so damn awesome.
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